A long post but hang in there w/me :)

Besides getting together and eating burgers last Saturday night, I've eaten pretty well the last few days. I did have some cake called "Orange Creamsicle" and my...it was too yummy. The cook told me she actually made it pretty healthy by substituting apple sauce for oil and egg substitutes. It didn't taste healthy...ha. It was so yummy. Probably tasted so good b/c I've banned a lot of those kinds of sugary sweetness from my diet.

One thing that has surprised me in my diet is my egg in the morning. It has really sustained me through my workouts. The protein is long lasting enough to keep my sugar intact until I can eat my protein bar after I work out. I eat 2 pieces of bread along w/that but the carbs in the whole wheat bread don't typically last that long.

I've been eating leftover hamburgers for lunch with chips. For dinner I've been bad for 2 nights. John and Amelia are gone to VBS at night so I've been making an egg and cinnamon toast (gasp!). The cinnamon toast is on whole wheat bread w/light margarine so it's not horrible but it's not filling. I know it's wrong but I just don't like a big heavy dinner at night.

I've gotten up to running for 13 min. on the treadmill at the gym. I walk fast for about 12 min then run for 13 then walk fast for 12. I'm adding a minute each week to running. I feel like I'm losing more inches w/running then w/the elliptical.

My bible study has been awesome! The chapter I'm reading right now is about believing God will do what He says He will do. Mainly...do you believe that God can do miracles? Do you believe God can change your situation for the better? Do you believe God can heal the sick? What do YOU believe God can do? A lot of people (myself included) believe that miracles are when a person who has cancer suddenly doesn't have it. And that is a miracle and Praise the Lord when that happens. But a lot of people believe that miracles are only those big things like that. Beth Moore says miracles happen all the time but we as Christians are so jaded by life that we fail to see the miracles God does for us everyday.

I've had a personal journey for the past year. In less than a month, I will celebrate my one year anniversary of unemployment. That sounds so funny when I say it. Anyways, God has really shown me the miracle of losing my job. Now that really sounds funny, but that's what it is. I've been so messed up spiritually for a long time. I feel like I would get highs and lows but no constant walk w/Jesus. After I lost my job, I was angry at God for awhile. I was like a fish out of water, literally. I was now a stay at home mom, but not by choice. My choice had been a career that I loved and here I was, thrust into life staying home all day, everyday. This can't be what God wanted for me. I just didn't understand it at all. I would go on play dates and pretend to be happy to be at home but inside I was miserable. I asked advice. I needed to know that I wasn't the only one that felt that way.

Then one day God showed me something. He showed me the positives, whereas I had only wanted to see negatives. He showed me that this is the BEST time to be home. Would I want to be unemployed if the girls were teenagers? No...this is the right time for me to be home b/c they are so little. Is it just a coincidence that the economy is horrible? No...again, this is the best time for me to be home. I foresee (with God by my side) that in about 5 years when Rebekah is going to school, that the economy will hopefully be in an upswing and jobs will be available. I guess now I have clarity that I had to be forced to see. God has also shown me that my fellow playgroup moms feel the same frustrations as I do.

I am content now. I search God's voice more and more. God is my light and I will follow it always. I believe He will do what He says He will do. Do you?

What I ate yesterday

Breakfast: 2 pieces wheat bread w/light margerine and peach jelly, fried egg; coffee w/sweetner and sugar free creamer

Lunch: 1/2 cheese sandwich w/mayo and provolone/sharp chedder cheese. about 5 tortilla chips, some broccoli and carrots and dip, a small cup of kool-aid

Later that afternoon I had a fudge bar (fat free kind)

Dinner: chicken breast w/small amount of ranch, brown rice, sweet corn and brussell sprouts. sweet tea to drink

At the end of the day I realized that I had had NO sweety sweet of any kind, except for the fudge bar. I avoided brownies at lunch and cookies at dinner. I only had 2 glasses of sweet tea all day. Yesterday was a good day food wise.

For playgroup we went to the pool and I swam some in the pool. Not a panting kind of work out but at least I was moving :) Today is gym day and then when I get home I have to clean the house. God is so good to me :)

Weight has not changed!!!! ARGH...why?!?

This is when I get most frustrated. I am doing all I can to lose this weight and NOTHING HAPPENS. I am avoiding fast food, white bread (and white pastas), fried foods and sugary sweets. My muscles hurt from working out. What else can I do?

All I can say is that I'm glad that I read my "Believing God" before I stepped on the scale. I have hope b/c I am believing God will deliver me from all this. Ok, so no weight has come off but I'm still doing things right. I'm exercising and cutting stuff out of my diet. This morning (before I weighed) I prayed and laid it all in God's lap. I guess I've not done that yet. I am putting on the shield of faith that He will hold me through this.

Having said all that, I'm still depressed. I can't help it, I'm human. It's like I'm climbing a mountain. I've got all my heavy gear on my back and I've got all the right stuff on for a successful climb. So I start climbing...I'm sweating and sweating, moving up and over, finding the right holes to advance upward. Then I look down and my feet are still on the ground. All that hard work, was it for NOTHING? So you see, I have 2 sides to myself. The ever believing side and the ever doubtful. It is truly God vs Satan inside of me.

So my weight (according to my home scale) is 225 still. UGH.

I have to weigh today. UGH. I cringe just thinking of that. I know I've not lost any weight. My clothes are not fitting better and that is the first indication that of weight loss. Well, here it goes. Stay tuned for an update later.

What I'm eating:

For breakfasts I usually eat an whole wheat English muffin w/a fried egg. I usually have a Kashi bar between b-fast and lunch. For lunch I eat a couple of things. I will either eat a bean quesadilla w/baked chips or I will eat 2 of my veggie hot dogs. Both of which are fairly low in fat and high in protein and fiber. For dinner I've had spaghetti made w/99% fat free ground turkey and whole wheat noodles. I had salad w/ranch and a Parmesan roll. For dessert I've been having either a fudge Popsicle (fat free) or strawberries over angel food cake w/Lite whipped cream.

Today I had a small slice of ice cream cake at a friend's house and man....it was gooood. That's a treat for me.

I've been working out this week. I ran for 10 min. on the treadmill and sped-walked the other 30 min. on the treadmill. I did 20 min. on the elliptical yesterday and did a ton of other weight work. I've noticed my arms are a tiny bit smaller but not much. My tummy is the SAME!! ARGH! This is the part of my body that I want to get rid of the most! I never had the upper flab much before kids. Now that's where I gain all the weight. Weird stuff happens to you body when you have kids.

I will defeat this! God will help me be victorious!

Long time, no blog..again

Sorry for not blogging in awhile. I kind of went into a slump of sorts and just didn't feel like it, but I need to get back in the swing of things. I went to my mom's all last week and boy...did I eat good. They had ice cream, donuts, etc. All kind of things I NEVER buy for myself. Plus, mom fixed dinner for us almost every night and boy, that was NICE. I think I gained whatever weight I had lost :(. Oh well, back on the wagon again.

Ode to my body
I'm trying to love my body NOW, as it is and with all it's flaws. My body is great. My body has carried 2 precious girls for 9 months. My body has run in marathons, jumped ropes, swam in the ocean and rode horses. My body walked down the aisle to marry a wonderful Christian man. My body is getting stronger, even if there is a ton of blubber over it (ha ha). I have 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 feet, 2 hands, healthy lungs and a healthy heart (as far as I know). I have 2 eyes and ears that work well and hair that is pretty darn thick. My body has chased a couple of little girls around the house. My body has climbed mountains and walked on sea shores. I think all this is pretty darned good!

Then why do I obsess about my appearance? Why do I look at myself and feel grossed out by my own image? Why do I forget that the real reason I'm put on this earth is to glorify God? It's complicated. I think I obsess about appearance b/c I compare myself to other women. I know, I know...I shouldn't do that but I would be lying if I said I didn't do that. I think...why does she have the "thin" gene and not me? It's frustrating but part of life. I'm trying to see myself as God sees me. That should be my focus, but oh...how often I forget that. God is working on me...inside and out.

I'm reading "Believing God" by Beth Moore. A friend at church recommended it to me b/c I really needed something to blow me away. Well, I just read the first chapter and OM Gosh...did it blow me away. The concept is do you really BELIEVE GOD or do you just believe IN God? God says I will have victory. God says I will slay my demons. God says I will be blessed. I have to BELIEVE HIM that all will happen. Man, do I struggle with that. I think it's b/c I've failed at weight loss for so long that I don't believe God that I will win. That thought stops today. I will not fail at this. I will not. Beth Moore said this in her book, "NO VICTORY IS WORTH WINNING IF YOU DON'T FIGHT TO WIN IT." Well, I'm fighting now.

There's a strong, toned, thinner me inside my body that WILL GLORIFY GOD ALMIGHTY when I get to where HE wants me to be.