Frustrations, Depression and Stress


Ok, so, I weighed today and the result was not good. No loss. I mean, really? I have cut out ALL that I can, really I have. I use the minimum of things w/high fat and calories. I am on week 3 of my sweet tea fast and I've not had my FAVORITE creamer in 2 weeks. I saw a great loss then NOTHING. Can you sense my frustration? I am holding back the sobs because I try so hard to do it right and see no results. I guess I was hoping and praying for just some kind of loss (or miracle). I feel as though I've been studying for a test for 2 weeks and I've failed the test. I am crying now, full blown. I'm depressed and stressed!

When I get this way, I just want to say SCREW IT and drink my sweet tea. I'm pissed off at my body. I'm mad at the world really. I'm mad at myself, for letting it get to this point. I work out to the point of exhaustion. I cut back on the foods I enjoy and nothing happens.

My mother would probably tell me that I shouldn't be baring my soul out to the world but I need to let others know (the ones going thru this same battle) that they are not alone. I NEED to know that I'm not alone. I need to hear from someone that they have the same problems.

When I opened my blog to write, I saw my subtitle "How God is blessing me through weight loss". I had to really face that today because honestly, I felt no blessings up until right now. I realize now that what God is teaching me today is perserverance and patience. I think He wants me to turn my anger into a drive to do better tomorrow and the next day and the next. To work harder, to see the outcome rather than the race. He wants me to see that even though the race is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, He will be with me through it, even if I don't know He's there. And today, on that demon scale, I didn't feel Him. I should have stopped myself and turned to God in that moment. Every fiber in my body wants to listen to the devil shouting at me "Give up! You can't do it! You will just fail in the end!" It's so much easier to eat what you want, when you want, however much you want. It's so much easier to not work out, to sit on your butt and do nothing. I feel bruised today but I will not give in. I will keep fighting b/c I will not let the devil snare me anymore.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us."
Hebrews 12:1

So, I've been wondering what to write in my blog today. I need to keep this journal going but sometimes there's just not much going on. If you keep up with my food journal on livestrong.com, then you will see I have gone over my calories for 2 days in a row. That for is me RARE. So here are my explanations.

I did good Sunday until we went to Medieval Times. Of course, I didn't really care what the calories were b/c I've not eaten there in a long time. But today, doing my journal, I saw how many calories and fat were consumed there. Again, I'm not stressing about that. John and I rarely go out to eat like that.

I worked out yesterday, and since I hadn't slept well, it was a HARD workout. BodyAttack is not my favorite class but I did it and I'm glad I did. All day afterward I was just hungry. I ate ok but then around 10 last night, I wanted more. I rarely want to eat after 9 pm but I was still hungry. Ever since I've started changing my eating habits I very rarely get that hungry. God is filling me up more than food. However yesterday I probably should have gone to Him instead of that last bowl of cereal. Did you see that lightbulb go off over my head?

Well, that's my boring life for now. Today is a new day.

FINALLY A BREAKTHROUGH!!

So, Wednesday, after working out for 2 hrs. straight, I got on the scale, expecting to see nothing changed and BOOM...it was a LOSS. I was shocked. I looked and looked at the number. Then I did the math...is that 20 lbs?! Oh MY GOSH! I was so excited...I needed someone there to cry with. It seems to have taken me SO long to get to that number! It seems that whatever change has happened in my eating habits is working. I hate to have given up on my creamer but to see that number made it worth it. If I can still see the losses, then giving on the sweet tea is worth it (I actually had a sip of some today...just a sip and ah...heaven).

So, I'm still working on it. Everyday is a challenge. I'm HOPING that my weight loss will be the opposite of the usual person's. You know how people say "the last 20 lbs were the hardest"? Well, what if my first 20 was the hardest and the rest is a breeze?

Hey...a girl can dream, can't I?

REALITY (a.k.a. sweet tea fast)

After being frustrated last blog, I sent an email to my nutritional mentor who then looked at my food journal (www.myplate.com for anyone who needs a great way to journal). She called me and we discussed, at length, how even though my calories were under control, my fat intake was not. UGH. Can you believe this? Here I thought I was doing good. Well, I am doing good but just need to tweak a few things. So here's what those tweaks are:

• No more egg yolk-I am now eating an egg white every morning in place of the whole egg. My fat grams went from 4.5 to 0 and calories went from 70 to 16.
• CANNOT have my sugar free creamer anymore (oh MAN!). I have to switch to fat free creamer. I will do so as soon as I run out of the other. I have fat free creamer now but it's not sugar free. When I run out of that then I will do the switch to plain, fat free creamer. I'm truly crying b/c I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my sugar free caramel creamer.
• No more sweet tea-This is gonna be HARD for me. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my sweet tea (and I don't even use a ton of sugar)!

Ok, so Nicole (my mentor) and I decided I would do without these items until July 4th (Peachtree Road Race). That's approximately 9 weeks. I think I can last that long. I will miss my coffee w/the creamer and my sweet tea at lunch but if it means losing weight faster than I am now, then it will be worth it.

FRUSTRATIONS!!!!!

Ok...so here are my frustrations, which are probably fueled by my hormones right now.

• NOT LOSING WEIGHT FAST ENOUGH...Is this God's way of teaching me patience? Yes, probably, but when is it time to see a doctor? I added up my calorie loss due to exercise and I should be losing 1 lb every week. That is not happening. I look at my calorie intake and it's VERY rarely over 1800 calories/day. Why am I not losing weight like everyone else?
• OTHER PEOPLE ARE LOSING MORE WEIGHT THAN ME IN LESS TIME...I ran into a friend of mine who mentioned that she and another friend of mine have lost 18 and 21 lbs each in the span of a few months. I was immediately thrown into depression. I've not lost 18 lbs in over a YEAR!!!! What am I doing wrong?

This all makes me want to throw my hands up and quit. Truly it does. If anyone ate what I eat and work out like I do they'd be losing weight super fast but not me. It really does make me want to cry. I give my diet and exercise to God every day. I give Him all the praise for the weight I have lost. I will continue to praise Him through all this but is it time for a professional? Is it time to do something different?

I would appreciate some prayer from ya'll. thanks :)

Macaroni and cheese, bread and pudding

I have been sick for the past 3 days, thanks to the pollen. I've never had allergies this bad. It seems that every year it gets worse for me. I have to remember to keep taking the Claritin but I forget. Anyways, when I am sick I seem to crave more carbs. All want is macaroni and cheese, bread, and pudding. Who am I kidding? I crave this all the time. I am addicted to macaroni and cheese (from the box or otherwise). It is the ultimate feel good food for me.

Bread is always welcome, in any form. About 2 weeks ago I went to Ryan's Steakhouse with my parents and I had a yeast roll. You know the ones w/the honey butter? It melted in my mouth. For weeks I'd not had white bread so this was wonderful. Well, then I had to account for it in my food journal and BAM! That one roll was 340 calories! No wonder it tasted like heaven.

Pudding....mmmm...need I say more? I'm a pudding lover. I would rather have that then cake or pie.

Anyways, as I sat down this morning to eat my usual breakfast I was thinking about food. I ate my wheat bread w/pb and j, egg and coffee but what I really wanted was a big ole stack of pancakes with butter, syrup and bacon on the side. Will these cravings ever go away? Will I learn that eating right and healthy is BETTER for you than that other crap you shovel into your mouth? Why does healthy food have to taste like cardboard sometimes? I know in my brain that healthy food is better for you. I'm starting to really understand that but then I have one roll at Ryan's and it's like "where have you been all my life?". I deny myself the brownies I made for my hubby (they are sitting out on the counter as I type) but cave when my friend makes a pudding dish (and it was so good). It's like the devil knows where to snare me. He knows how to push all my carb and sugar buttons.

Well, today is a new day. Back to eating those fruits and veggies!!!